When Fear is Crippling

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost its sting

-Hillsong- Forever Reign

From the very beginning of my pregnancy, with Wren, I was overwhelmed with fear. We found out we were expecting at 4 weeks. When my doctor told me no ultrasound until 8 weeks I was scared.  We had been wanting to expand our family for so long, I just wanted needed to see that sweet little gummy bear on a screen.  Although, I begged, they wouldn't budge on the ultrasound, but they would have me come in for some blood work.  The blood work would give a rough estimate of how far along I really was, and how all my levels were looking- basically I was going into see if this was in fact a "viable" pregnancy.  I went in for blood work one day and then three days later for some more.  When the results came back I was told "We think this will be a viable pregnancy, but your progesterone levels are a little low. We want you to take a progesterone pill every night for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy until the placenta can take over and do its job.  This will help decrease your chance of a miscarriage".  This just wasn't something I expected to hear, so fear reared its ugly head and consumed me.  For the next 6 weeks I was totally crippled by the fear that I was going to lose this baby. I had awful dreams and most nights I hardly slept at all, in fear of dreaming. All the while I am praying constantly for this baby- to be full of life, to be healthy and strong not only in body but strong in the Lord, for peace and rest for me... and still there was fear. After my first ultrasound the fear subsided a little.I was elated to see that gummy bear and its heat beating on the screen. Still, I made sure to keep our pregnancy under-wraps til around the 12 week mark. 

Right at 12 weeks we announced to everyone we were expecting!

by way of Christmas card

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Excitement grew and fear subsided through the holiday season.  We were just so happy to share the news with friends and family! Right after the new year, we had a sweet gender reveal with our closest friends and family

I think it goes with out saying, I was a little excited

Fast forward to our 20 week anatomy scan... We headd to the consultation room, doc came in and said... "Well, everything looks good, but she is just a little on the small side. I am sure I'm worried for nothing, but because I am OCD will you agree to do genetic testing just to make sure we aren't looking at any chromosomal issues".  So here comes fear...

After 10 years days we got the results in that our girl was just fine, tiny but perfect.  So the fear subsided.  I prayed for her every day that she will be kind but fierce, that she will love the Lord, that she will be a blessing to everyone around her, that she will be peaceful and bring joy to our home, that she will be an amazing sleeper, and totally healthy, perfect in every way- but never speaking directly to the fear.

Skip to the third trimester... My blood pressure started to be on the high side. I went in for non stress tests and blood work with each doctor visit.  We had an ultrasound at 36 weeks to check on her fluid and her size. She had grown, and was no longer as tiny as expected. Wren was estimated to be 6lb 7oz at my last ultrasound, so the doctor scheduled an induction for the following week [due to my blood pressure]. 

Welcome back fear... What was I afraid of? That was the question I kept asking myself and the question I would be asked by those who I shared my fear with. My answer was always,"I don't know, every thing I guess". That week was the longest of my life and the Sunday before being induced on Monday felt like and eternity. I will never forget all the tears I shed, from sheer terror that Sunday. 

Through the whole pregnancy I was constantly telling God "I know I shouldn't be afraid" but what I wasn't doing was confronting the enemy and telling him, he had no power over me. It wasn't until Wren was born that I realized the fear I was experiencing was not the fear of the Lord preparing me for something to be wrong, it was the devil consuming me with fear. He wanted me in a place of all consuming crippling fear, so that there would be no way for me to handle what was coming after Wren was born. For nine months I let the devil win, but not anymore.  

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

This verse rings true to the season we have been walking. God has strengthened me, He is helping me and He is upholding me. I will no longer let fear, ungodly fear cripple me.